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  • JOTD

    Always like a good laugh...

    The Bagpiper

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    Not being familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.

    Finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    Went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    As I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  • #2
    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had a desire for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted me just once before I committed my life to her sister.

    I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline to the front door.

    I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in the car.


    • #3
      A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

      While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

      While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:"Look at his clothes, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist or complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

      His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"


      • #4
        Kid comes home from school one day to hear a bunch of ruckus coming from the mom n dads room. Checking it out, he throws the door open to find the folks gettin' busy. Dad shouts at him to mind his own business and go away.

        The next day...
        Dad comes home to hear a bunch of noise coming from the kids room with what sounds like an old woman hollerin'. Kickin open the door, he finds the kid bonin' Grandma.The old man freaks out"what the hell is going on here?!!!".

        Kids says ''Sure...different story when its your mom...''


        • #5
          A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
          The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

          "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

          "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!" His wife said, "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

          The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

          He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

          "Where are you?" asks the husband.

          "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.


          • #6
            He: Think I'm gonna nick name you, Little Toe.

            She: Aww, that's sweet. Is it because I'm small and cute?"

            He: Naw, it's because after we have a few drinks, I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table.


            • #7
              A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cellphone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for the house announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

              Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks ... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

              Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

              Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

              The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

              The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

              The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."


              • #8
                Two couples are on a double date when they decide it would be fun to try swapping partners. The couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.

                One couple in their room go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished one rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow and lights up a cigarette.

                Looking at her partner she says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"


                • #9
                  A Karazy Koder walked into an internet cafe and sat next to a very attractive girl. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his new Seiko watch. The babe noticed this, because the watch was mounted on a gaudy stainless-steel band that Koders are fond of. There was Heisenbug code written on one side of the watch and a TI logo on the other.

                  The girl admired the jewelry and asked, "Are you running late?"

                  "No," the
                  Koder replied, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was testing it."

                  Intrigued la chica queried, "State-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

                  Koder explained, "Besides telling time and temperature, it has a computerized sensing device that uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

                  Impressed the lil sweatheart said, "What's it telling you now?"

                  "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

                  "The hottie giggled and replied, "Well, it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

                  The Koder smiled, tapped his watch and said, "You're right. It's running an hour fast."


                  • #10
                    Blessed Be

                    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

                    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

                    "Yes, Father, it is."

                    "And, who was the woman you were with?"

                    "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

                    "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later,
                    so you may as well tell me now.

                    Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

                    "I cannot say."

                    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"

                    "I'll never tell."

                    "Was it Maggie Shannon?"

                    "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

                    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy

                    Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

                    You cannot attend church mass for one month. Be off with you now."

                    Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

                    "What'd you get?"

                    "A month's vacation and three good leads"


                    • #11
                      Indian Wisdom

                      Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a government official, " You have observed the white man for over 90 years. You have seen his wars, his technological advances, his progress, both the good and the damage he has done".

                      The Chief nodded in agreement.

                      The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

                      The Chief stared at the official for several minutes then calmly replied,
                      "When white man find land, Indians run it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean water. Woman did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing...all night having sex".

                      Then the Chief leaned back and smiled.

                      "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


                      • #12
                        The five signs of laziness:



                        • #13
                          The Gangsta & The Bookeeper

                          A Gangsta finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.His bookkeeper is deaf. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

                          When the Gangsta goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing ten million he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

                          The Gangsta tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is.The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

                          The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

                          The attorney tells the Gangsta: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

                          The Gangsta pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

                          The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

                          The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin's backyard in Queens!"

                          The Gangsa asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

                          The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


                          • #14
                            A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

                            “Mother, where do babies come from?”

                            The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

                            The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

                            “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

                            [ἓν οἶδα ὅτι] οὐδὲν οἶδα - Socrates


                            • #15
                              A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.​