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  • 2x 100mbs Seedbox - 7 days (60gb)

    Ok, so, I have a headache and cant be bothered doing stuff on this server any more.

    Simply post a joke. I'll pick the 2 best by 10:00pm GMT tonight. They'll get it for a week.

    Torrentflux-B4rt interface.
    60 GB HDD
    So yeah, enjoy courtesy of just-seed.co.uk

  • #2
    Hi
    First of all Great Giveaway my friend....i ll not take much of ur time ...so the joke is


    Boss to Secretary: Let me have sex with u, Just 1 time. I’ll f*ck quickly and give u 5000$.I ll throw money on the floor and before u finished picking it up,I ll be done.

    Girl liked the proposal and calls her boyfriend.

    Boyfriend: It’s ok but ask for 8000$ and pick the money quickly.

    After 4 hours Boyfriend calls her and asks what happened.

    Girl: Aaaahhhhh the bast*rd paid 8000$ in coins.


    Note: sorry for not thanking you or repping u..i dun have that much privileges

    Last edited by infinityup; February 23, 2010, 02:11 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
      He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
      While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
      To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

      Comment


      • #4
        Only a guy would attempt this!?!?

        More of a stroy than a "Joke" but I found it funny so figured I had nothing to lose in sharing.

        Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

        A guy, who purchased a pocket Tazer for his lovely wife on their anniversary, submitted this:

        Last weekend I saw something at Harry's Gun Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
        100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing them adequate time to retreat to safety.

        WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

        I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

        I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

        AWESOME!!!

        Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
        There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
        thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.
        She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

        So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, instructions in one hand, and tazer in another.
        The instructions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
        supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

        All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); not much bigger than a pen and thinking to myself "NO WAY!!"'

        What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

        I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid.'
        So.... reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't be all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

        HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE...!!!

        I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position,
        with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
        The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
        fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

        Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution...
        ...there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

        A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
        The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

        Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

        P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
        JustJenna, TankGirl, Forbidden have passed muster ;)
        Thanks to CerealGOAT for introducing me to Seedboxes and Mastercox for Avatar
        http://i45.tinypic.com/33l2xds.gif
        And to add iGiver and http://i44.tinypic.com/35k4d2h.gif when appropriate.

        Comment


        • #5
          how do you know your at a gay picnic?
          all the hot dogs taste like shit

          LOOl
          now for another joke:
          two cows in a field one says 'moo' the other one says 'you bastard i was going to say that'


          and to finish it off!!


          There is an Englishman, American, and an Australian. All 3 are dared to stay in a haunted house for 1 night. So the American walks in and hears this voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The American ran out of the house screaming and died of a panic attack. The Australian walks in and hears the same voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The Australian jumps out of the window and dies. The Englishman walks in and hears the same voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The Englishman realises the voice is coming from a closed cupboard. So he walks over and opens the cupboard. Sitting there is a monkey picking his nose saying: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya!

          Comment


          • #6
            Great giveaway! i want participant too! i choose 3 joke i found good (for myself if not for u)

            Comment


            • #7
              believe me i find this to be very funny, selected it after reading 10 to 15 jokes

              Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

              Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

              "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

              "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

              friend, I really need an sb
              thanks


              Last edited by CHAMP; February 23, 2010, 04:28 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                No 2 participation!

                10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


                A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

                On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

                "What?" said the puzzled groom.

                "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

                "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

                Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

                Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

                Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

                Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

                Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

                Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

                Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

                Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

                Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

                "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

                "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



                Newly wed couple

                this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

                wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

                husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

                wife: i'm flat chested.

                husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

                So she takes off her shirt.

                husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

                wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

                husband: im "weighed like a baby".

                wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

                So he takes off his pants.

                wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

                husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

                Comment


                • #9
                  #1. --A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
                  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
                  The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“


                  #2. -- Why do ducks have webbed feet?

                  To stamp out fires.

                  Why do elephants have flat feet?

                  To stamp out burning ducks
                  Last edited by Morph; February 23, 2010, 03:47 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. :D
                    Known by few but respected by all, he has no enemies as none dare to cross him.
                    He is the only living being to strike fear into the one that possesses the all mighty roundhouse kick. He is,
                    The Exalted.


                    sigpic

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
                      He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
                      While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
                      To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

                      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                      A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
                      The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
                      The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
                      The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
                      The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
                      The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
                      The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

                      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                      An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
                      At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
                      "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
                      The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
                      The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
                      The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
                      Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
                      "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

                      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\

                      A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
                      "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
                      She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
                      The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
                      She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

                      "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
                      Last edited by Morph; February 23, 2010, 04:04 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Two mothers on the bus, one black, the other white, each one with her baby boy. The black`s mom boy was sucking milk from her tits, while the white baby boy was sucking from his mom tits. At one moment the white baby boy stop from sucking and kindly asks his mom: Mom, I too want some choco..

                        :XD




                        Retired


                        Half Angel, half Demon, has fear of the Gods and is feared by the mortals The Veritas is the truth and only truth. No blade can turn him from his way, no wind is strong enough to stop him. Watching from above, he knows everything. He is NOT the greatest but the mightiest, the awesome Exalted !!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Chuck Norris once had sex in the back of a truck. A drop of semen got onto the seat. Now, the truck is called "Optimus Prime"

                          Chuck Norris' daughter once lost her virginity. He got it back.

                          A horny husband helps his wife setup a password for a computer. He typed MYPENIS. She fell on the floor laughing when it said "ERROR: Not long enough!"

                          A girl: Do you want to hear a joke?
                          A boy: Sure!
                          A Girl: Pussy
                          Boy: I don't get it
                          Girl: You never will.

                          Adult jokes ftw.
                          "Thanks Obama."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            SO WRONG .......BUT SO FUNNY

                            A woman takes a lover home during the day
                            while her husband is at work.

                            Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

                            The woman's husband also comes home.
                            She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
                            that the little boy is in there already.


                            The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
                            The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
                            Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
                            Man: 'That's nice'
                            Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
                            Man: 'No, thanks.'
                            Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
                            Man: 'OK, how much?'
                            Boy: '$250'



                            In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



                            Boy: 'Dark in here.'
                            Man: 'Yes, it is.'
                            Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
                            The lover, remembering the last time,
                            asks the boy, How much?'
                            Boy: '$750'
                            Man: 'Sold.'



                            A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
                            The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'



                            The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
                            Boy: '$1,000'



                            The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'



                            They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..


                            Wait For It !!



                            The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
                            The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'


                            XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

                            A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

                            After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

                            "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

                            Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

                            "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
                            Last edited by forbidden; February 23, 2010, 05:33 PM.


                            <3 to all My friends here and thx to all who helped me..
                            I am more awesome than ScottK .


                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by bonnieboo View Post
                              More of a stroy than a "Joke" but I found it funny so figured I had nothing to lose in sharing.

                              Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

                              A guy, who purchased a pocket Tazer for his lovely wife on their anniversary, submitted this:

                              Last weekend I saw something at Harry's Gun Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
                              100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing them adequate time to retreat to safety.

                              WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

                              I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

                              I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

                              AWESOME!!!

                              Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
                              There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the instructions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
                              thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.
                              She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

                              So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, instructions in one hand, and tazer in another.
                              The instructions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
                              supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

                              All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); not much bigger than a pen and thinking to myself "NO WAY!!"'

                              What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

                              I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid.'
                              So.... reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't be all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

                              HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE...!!!

                              I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position,
                              with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
                              The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
                              fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

                              Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution...
                              ...there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

                              A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
                              The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

                              Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

                              P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
                              Originally posted by forbidden View Post
                              SO WRONG .......BUT SO FUNNY

                              A woman takes a lover home during the day
                              while her husband is at work.

                              Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

                              The woman's husband also comes home.
                              She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
                              that the little boy is in there already.


                              The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
                              The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
                              Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
                              Man: 'That's nice'
                              Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
                              Man: 'No, thanks.'
                              Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
                              Man: 'OK, how much?'
                              Boy: '$250'



                              In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



                              Boy: 'Dark in here.'
                              Man: 'Yes, it is.'
                              Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
                              The lover, remembering the last time,
                              asks the boy, How much?'
                              Boy: '$750'
                              Man: 'Sold.'



                              A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
                              The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'



                              The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
                              Boy: '$1,000'



                              The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'



                              They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..


                              Wait For It !!



                              The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
                              The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'
                              and my two winners are above :)

                              I'll PM you the details

                              Comment

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