If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he
hada gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.



Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed
Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.



If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.



Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack
Bauer.



Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.



Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.


When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.



If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but
Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.



Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.



Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now
isbecause Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.



1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.



When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack


Bauer f**king hates lemonade.



Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack
Bauer.



Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him
finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.



Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.



Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.



Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.



Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting
at another terrorist twelve miles away.



When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.



If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.



Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.



Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real
fact.



Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says
something then you better f**king do it.



Jack Bauer's favourite colour is severe terror alert red. His second
favourite colour is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.


When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.



Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrongit wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.



You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.



Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.





When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.



In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times.
What the f**k have you done with your life?



Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than
anhour. And he's done it twice.



When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.



Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.



Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.



Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".



Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.



In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.


Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA
MostWanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the
movie Dodgeball.



Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.



There is no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.



It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.



If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a
bombout of MacGyver and get out.



When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.



People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.



"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f**ked".



Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.



If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.



Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.



If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.



Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you

masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.


No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a girl thingy" in a
sentenceandlived to tell the tale



Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for
having a weakness.



Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is
stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."



Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.



What colour is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not
bleed.



Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when
he'sknocked out or temporarily killed.



If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.



The bumper sticker on Jesus' car reads, "WWJBD?"



You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably going
toget laid.



Jack Bauer makes onions cry.